Yup, I’m the phone to China again, and nope, I still haven’t talked to either Mom or Dad.

Grandma:
Alright kid, listen up. Three things:

1. Stop traveling. I heard you went to Hong Kong a couple weeks back? Bad idea. It’s a proven fact that young people are constantly being killed all around the world, while traveling. Especially in California — don’t go there, they have earthquakes there! We had one last week — horrible, horrible thing. Hundreds of schoolchildren. And don’t even get me started on the money. Look at your grandfather and me: when we were young we stayed put — now his company pays for us to travel. What do you need to go to all these places for, anyway? America isn’t good enough for you? You could be us! Stop running around all over the place, you hear me?
   
2. Eat more, and stop staying up late to do homework. I know you’ve always been the studious one in the family, but you’re also the skinniest. That’s no good at all. You don’t want to be one of those bony intellectual types. Better to be a strong man, right? Look at your uncles. Even your dad — yeah he’s a little on the short side, but I never mentioned this to your mom, because boy can he work hard. Learn from your dad, don’t think too much, you hear me? Brains are fragile things. You need to take care of your body.
   
3. This is the most important thing, so listen carefully. Now that you’re your age, you’re probably thinking about marriage. You’re at Harvard, so this is a good chance to find a nice girl who will take care of you…but remember, always do what your mom says! I know you think you know something is good for you now, but you’ll change your mind later. Young people love changing their minds. You know who won’t change minds? Your mom. She knows how to find a good wife, so listen to her! Did you hear me? Do what your mom says! Find a good wife! Did you hear me?
   

Yeah I heard ya…in fact, just to show my filial piety I’ve canceled my plans for going anywhere this weekend, stopped studying, and now I’m carefully perusing russianbrides.com. How does everyone feel about Borscht?