Now that I’ve moved away from college–and my parents’ dumpling delivery radius–I need to fend for myself when it comes to food. Unfortunately, cooking is for sissies.

Fortunately, cooking is an acceptable pastime if a man sticks to the following principles:

1. Never measure anything.
2. Avoid reading.
3. Be very impatient.
4. Use a big sharp knife.
5. Drink lots of beer.

I’m here to help you with steps 1, 2, and 3. These recipes require only a 4th grade reading level and a 2nd grader’s patience. This lets you devote all those other years of physical and spiritual maturation to performing steps 4 and 5.

FRIED RICE
Crack egg into hot canola oil. Let sit, then scramble briefly. Add chopped scallions and stir. Add cooked (leftover) rice, a few drops of soy sauce. Loosen rice with spatula, while alternating between stirring and letting food sit and brown. Add salt, sugar to taste. Eat with chopsticks. Then do 50 pushups.

STEAK
Get a steak. Ribeye and sirloin are good, or get them combined in a porterhouse. Salt, pepper, and olive oil the meat on both sides. Preheat oven to 500. Put a dry pan on high heat for 10 minutes. Throw the steak on, leave it for 30 seconds, turn it over, leave for 30 seconds, then put steak and pan in oven for a minute. Flip the steak, put back in oven for 30 seconds. Take out and eat.

ASPARAGUS
Wash asparagus, cut off tough ends, then cut the rest into 2-inch pieces. Toss into hot olive oil in pan over medium-high heat. Leave for 5 minutes, stir around, leave for another 5 minutes, then salt and pepper. Eat.

ROASTED TUBERS
Cut red potatoes, parsnips, onions and sweet potatoes into 1 inch chunks. Toss in olive oil, salt, pepper, and some combination of herbs. Put in a metal pan in oven for 30 minutes at 400 degrees, stirring / detaching vegetable chunks from metal once or twice in between watching the Simpsons on surfthechannel.com. Let cool and eat.

HOME FRIES
Microwave 2 medium red potatoes on high for 5 minutes. Let cool, cut into half-inch chunks. Pan-fry in half butter, half vegetable oil for 10 minutes, turning and stirring to brown on all sides. Salt, pepper, ketchup to taste.